Winning a softball game when I was 12 was easy. Winning an argument with my brother over who got to ride shotgun to dinner was even easier. Winning a game of Monster Mini Golf on a first date, got that in the bag. Winning an argument with my husband when my emotions are flaring, never stand a chance.
My one and only argument for never winning an argument is always, “I’m too emotional. I can’t express my side of things clearly because I’m too emotionally unstable, my brain is broken, I’m too worried about your side of things.” I tried my best to explain how important of a personality trait this was to Phil before he married such a nutcase. But he insisted on doing it anyways. Now his stress levels are on him, and his grey hairs I will no longer take credit for.
A basic understanding of a mind like my own is highly beneficial when pursing an intimate relationship. My mind is that of a magical creature. I have quite a few quirks, traits, and unique characteristics that need to be understood to increase the survival chances of any relationship.
Most of the time I am deeply misunderstood. It takes a lot of time to get to know me before I comfortably unravel and my true, magnificent spirit receives the opportunity to shine. I deeply feel for Phil for being in love with me. Love with me is always super intense. I am energetically sensitive, picking up on any and everything that happens around me. Regardless of whether emotions have been outwardly expressed, I tend to experience other’s emotions as deeply as I feel my own. It is IMPOSSIBLE to hide true feelings when romantically involved with me, because 9 times out of 10, I’ve likely already figured them out long before the person feeling them has. Most call it a gift, or a blessing, I refer to it as a pain in my ass.
But if there’s one thing I’m amazing at, it is dealing with a brutally raw and honest relationship. Although I can be quite the delicate creature, my strength in relationships is found where honesty, trust, and loyalty come before anything else. I love to love and I love to be loved. My true self wants to give and receive love in abundance, but after many years of bad relationships and broken spirits, I’ve had to work to feel safe and secure enough to allow the love to flow. Phil has been put through the ringer since day one. He knows first hand how hard it is to uncaged my heart.
One of the most tragic parts about my character is that all too often my love is cast out in all the wrong places. I feel the pain and sorrow of everyone and everything around me. Phil see’s a horrible driver not using there blinker and braking too often, I see a distracted mother of a sick baby girl, or a father who just lost his job of 10 years. I want to heal and fix the world. I want to make all things better for everyone involved. It is an amazingly powerful way of life, and it’s the exact energy that this world needs, but it is a deeply painful way to exist. Not everyone is able to view the world this way, and because of that, I constantly tend to a broken heart, a heart that bleeds endlessly for cruelty, injustice, selfishness, and inequalities.
It has taken many years to understand this about myself. To know that when I feel hurt, I need love and support the most. To know that when I feel depressed, I need interaction and positive energy to pull me out of it. I used to cower, feel ashamed, lock myself away, not let anyone in. I would build barriers and put up walls with those closest to me. I would feel unworthy of love and intimacy. I would find it very difficult to forget deep wounds or continue a relationship once foundations were rocked. And once my self-esteem would hit rock bottom, my energy reserves depleted, I would be left with little faith in myself or mankind. Being sensitive to energy, my worst-case scenarios are confrontations or aggressive situations. I easily lose my self-control once I’ve been absorbed in a negative or toxic energy. Fight or flight, I will go as far away as possible.
My smart, sensitive, and extremely capable husband has had to learn a whole new method of communication for our relationship to be successful. Communication through intuition, energy awareness, deep connection, and a level of understanding without the need for verbalization. He has helped me achieve a love that is grounded, free spirited, fulfilling, and empowering.
A life worth living for me is giving and receiving unconditional love, being fully alive in the moment, connecting deep within the core of our primal being, and reigniting all the superpowers that are inherent within us.